“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
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…things got awkward.
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Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
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murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
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waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?