We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
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The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
October already? What’s next? November????
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I’m good, thanks.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
do horses think humans are hats
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?