@TheMichaelRock

Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

Beep.

Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

Beep.

- @TheMichaelRock

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

@brendohare

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

@juliussharpe

I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”

@LindaInDisguise

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

@fucpk

*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?

@david8hughes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

@jellybnbonanza

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

@Eightinchgoat

My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.