Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.

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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science


Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.


If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.


Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.


ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh


When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself