what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Grandmother clock.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Wait a minute…
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament