Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
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Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
three things we don’t talk about
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten