Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?