[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
#MeanwhileinCanada
How I like cutting carbs
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture