My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”
“Your word is ‘oujia'”
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–
I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[Dumbo meeting, 1941]
WALT DISNEY: Let’s make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it’ll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he’s taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ….everything ok at home, sir?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.