@ibid78

“Your word is ‘oujia'”
-could you use that in a seance?
[spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won

You Might Also Like

@just1fool

My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”

@GorillaNipples1

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

@BangMyBongo

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

@seagullski

I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though

@good_one_rick

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

@Home_Halfway

[Dumbo meeting, 1941]

WALT DISNEY: Let’s make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it’ll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he’s taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ….everything ok at home, sir?

@TheTweetOfGod

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

@bossy_bootz

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.