Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu