cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
You Might Also Like
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
That earthquake could have been an email.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
*ernest hemingway voice*
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else