You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
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[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
🤣😂🤣
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.