You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
You Might Also Like
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]