You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

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Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?


ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.


Attractive woman at concert: these guys are so much better live

Me trying to be agreeable: yeah, I’ll probably stop going when they’re dead


[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free


My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.


Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.


The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”


Never ask a girl “How are you single?”



8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT


dad: don’t forget to take a jacket