Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Attractive woman at concert: these guys are so much better live
Me trying to be agreeable: yeah, I’ll probably stop going when they’re dead
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket