@Kyle_Lippert

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

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@AnkCoupleTO

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

@theferocity

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

@huntigula

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

@pleatedjeans

[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine

@CheeseDaydreams

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

@BluEzeNBrwnSkin

Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza

@LOVELADONNIS

Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?

@penelope20mn

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

@stevevsninjas

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers