You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.