You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”