“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Has there ever been a more American story?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
That’s what I call a flat tire
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am