@KateWhineHall

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

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@GrantTanaka

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

@uncle_fescue

I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.

@8bitf0x

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

@michel_lesann

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

@3sunzzz

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

@Wtftab

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

@goldengateblond

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

@tastefactory

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

@AndrewNadeau0

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?