“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Did…did a minotaur write this
Social Media and Real life
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.