You’re a star. Unfortunately it’s Patrick from SpongeBob.

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I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure


E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.


You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.


Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”


[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist


I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.


me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny


You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.


Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.


[on phone with mom]
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up