I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure
You’re a star. Unfortunately it’s Patrick from SpongeBob.
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”
Her: I like old fashioned men
Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
I asked her if she thought I was weird
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up