*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.