@ozzyunc

You’re a star. Unfortunately it’s Patrick from SpongeBob.

You Might Also Like

@ilovepie84

I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure

@DanaJGould

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

@dulcetry

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

@wesjohnson8

Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”

@popcorn_dog

[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist

@StillOnTheMoors

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

@mrjohndarby

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

@eminmien

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

@CulturedRuffian

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

@internetluke

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up