Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Got him!
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING