@NicestHippo

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

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@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@debon7

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

@DrakeGatsby

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

@brennadine

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

@FredTaming

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@Sickayduh

MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl

@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.

@DudeInABearSuit

If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.