@NicestHippo

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

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@iGreenMonk

Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

@ShaunRightNow

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

@OrigamiDad

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

@Sassafrantz

Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you

@DaddyJew

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

@drayzze

Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”

So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth

@TheAlexNevil

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.