@patrickmarkryan: *filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* "the leather keeps sticking to my back" "for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on"

@LuvPug: *puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter* Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

@lildandeli0n: Cops think i am worth the chase...apparently.

@LoveNLunchmeat: There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

@causticbob: I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" I thought to myself "That sounds like a fair trade"