@ValeeGrrl: My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he's in all black & I'm telling her we worship the dark lord.

@DouchyDocLove: Wife just changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Better go see what she wants.

@WheelTod: *hijacks plane *kills pilot Me *turning to friend: "OK. Now fly this thing!" Friend: “I can't fly a plane” Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!” Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*” Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!... Ah OK I get it now.”

@ObscureGent: Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that's on fire.

@PFTompkins: Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.