@NolaChef504: Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco. Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos! Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.

@thatUPSdude: Her: We have rats! Me: We do? Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies! Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I'll buy traps.

@SteveCarell: Flight attendant:"Would you like the chicken or the pasta?" Me:"What would you suggest?" Flight Attendant:"Eat before you get on the plane."

@OhNoSheTwitnt: My desires are... unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)