@3sunzzz M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
@InternetHippo “you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable
movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours
cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years
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@3sunzzz 
@Julie_Cooker Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪
@SkinnieTalls To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
@GreenishDuck You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
@GingerHotDish I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
@Book_Krazy [interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
@jus4golf Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
@rebrafsim [date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
@sixfootcandy HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
@crunchenhanced Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.