“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years

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M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.


Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪


To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.


You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”


I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.


HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging


Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer


Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct


HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.