@krishna_van
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
@InternetHippo
“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable
movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours
cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years
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@krishna_van
@NrouteHQ
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
@Tmoney68
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
@mommatotwo_
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
@JiminyKicksIt
Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”
@trojansauce
[fleeing the bank we just robbed]
accomplice: play it cool this time, okay?
me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS
police officer: alright he’s clear
@adamgreattweet
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
@CleverGirl85
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
@SteveKoehler22
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
@OreoSpeedwagon_
Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.