Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable
movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours
cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years
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Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.
~family owned restaurants.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”
[fleeing the bank we just robbed]
accomplice: play it cool this time, okay?
me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS
police officer: alright he’s clear
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.
Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.