@InternetHippo

“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years

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@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

@Julie_Cooker

Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪

@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

@GreenishDuck

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

@GingerHotDish

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.