@InternetHippo

“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years

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@krishna_van

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

@NrouteHQ

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@mommatotwo_

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

@JiminyKicksIt

Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”

@trojansauce

[fleeing the bank we just robbed]
accomplice: play it cool this time, okay?
me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS
police officer: alright he’s clear

@adamgreattweet

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

@SteveKoehler22

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.