Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable
movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours
cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years
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My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.