I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.