@InternetHippo

“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

@GringoBrulee

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

@LostFelicia

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

@animaldrumss

son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it

@BraandoCommando

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@robwhisman

[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would

@frankiemuniz

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

@AimeeHelene1

I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.