The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Who did it better?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Cheer up.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off