You're an embarrassment to the human race. What are you doing later?

You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they’re going to say something wrong.

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