@phalguy

You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?

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@mousefountain

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

@ChaoticBeny

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

@big_mick_carter

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

@brandonleecool

Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

@mxmclain

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

@daddysdigest

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

@hmmwalsh

Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they’re going to say something wrong.