Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
#Caturday
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone