“You’re an idiot.”

-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.

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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.


While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.


Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water


My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.


[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*


[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]

Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?


No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.


You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.


*rapidly pushing elevator button*
no of course please tell me about your keto journey