@jergarl

“You’re an idiot.”

-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.

You Might Also Like

@Amusitr0n

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@Bob_Janke

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

@Tresca69

Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

@bridger_w

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

@Just_Oh_Susanna

Like my parents always said, “you’re in the wrong house, you live next door”.

@SortaBad

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground