“You’re an idiot.”

-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.

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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock


*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”


old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia


Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.



Me: Well, obviously.


Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect


[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”


I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”


Like my parents always said, “you’re in the wrong house, you live next door”.


people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground