You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
You Might Also Like
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
dam girl
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Ion see the issue
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
somewhere, in an alternate universe