@citizenkawala

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

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@Easy_Tiger__

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details

@CulturedRuffian

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

@AHundredElbows

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

@GavinProbably

Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.

@Divergentmama

When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.

@sammyrhodes

Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?

@a_simpl_man

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

@tartadepollo

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.