ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend
1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?
DM for details
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
You Might Also Like
I’ll be emotionally available again as soon as they find Bigfoot.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.
Should I take my rollerblades off?
When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.
Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.