Drive thru lady: enjoy your food
Me: you too
Drive thru lady:
Me: *slowly drives away, tears in eyes, knowing I can never return*
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
ok, we can trust that baby
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me