“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

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Drive thru lady: enjoy your food

Me: you too

Drive thru lady:

Me: *slowly drives away, tears in eyes, knowing I can never return*


[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip


I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby


Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.


I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.


[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*


*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”


Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”


I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….


I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me