@BlindChow

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

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@SvnSxty

Drive thru lady: enjoy your food

Me: you too

Drive thru lady:

Me: *slowly drives away, tears in eyes, knowing I can never return*

@murrman5

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

@GrantTanaka

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

@trevso_electric

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

@IndecisiveJones

[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*

@mommajessiec

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

@Thynebear

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

@Kate_Goldsmith

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

@Sadieisonfire

I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me