“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.