@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

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@MomOnFire

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

@DemetriMartin

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

@MrsGoose69

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

@sad_tree

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

@3sunzzz

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

@PinkCamoTO

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

@seanforhire

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

@CooIStepDad

[zoo]

“This is the bear kids”

Wow I want his arms

“What? You cant ha..”

*kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment*

“Bring him the arms smh”