Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
me and the Superbowl rn
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.