@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

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@heatherlou_

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbour overheard me wish a “long and prosperous life” to the spider I released outside. I’m worried he’ll get the wrong impression that I’m similarly warm-hearted towards people.

@Ristolable

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@Mom_Overboard

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

@Lowenaffchen

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

@telizs3

Is it wrong to laugh at the clerk who asked if I wanted a 2-year warranty on an electronic toy my kid will lose interest in in 2 weeks?

@gerryhallcomedy

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

@KevinFarzad

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

@deardilettante

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.