“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
How animals would run if they were human
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
The struggle is real
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*