you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover