The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
DOOO EEEET
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.