COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.