Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
“infant so tender and mild” suggests the existence of a spicy baby
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.
*brought to you by Bounty*
[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]
chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?