“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.
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Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct.
Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch
Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack
**simultaneous nods of respect**
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[Kicks open door to bouncy house]
So anyway I’ve been thinking about what you said last night
1 tblspoon salt
1/2 litre milk
2 tblspoons honey
200 gram wholeweat flour
30 grams sugar
– recipe for disaster
All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work