@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

You Might Also Like

@That_Damn_Duck

Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct.

Poor Superman.

@ThaJawn

Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch

Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack

**simultaneous nods of respect**

@Jesssicle

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

@onion_an

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

@Illuminati_Stop

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

@rowdyforsheriff

[Kicks open door to bouncy house]

So anyway I’ve been thinking about what you said last night

@Dutchtica

2 eggs
1 tblspoon salt
1/2 litre milk
2 tblspoons honey
200 gram wholeweat flour
30 grams sugar
tightrope
live badger

– recipe for disaster

@DvuslyMarvelous

All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work