@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

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@JohnHilsen

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

@vivarockbella

“infant so tender and mild” suggests the existence of a spicy baby

@lazerdoov

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

@Marlebean

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

@WheelTod

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*

@suzannemariedo

[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]

chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt

@ElgatoEsmio

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

@GrantTanaka

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?