You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast