You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body