You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant