You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife