You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

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First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.


Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.


[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]


Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour ๐Ÿ™


Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.


When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power


ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda


*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*