@MarieLoerzel

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

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@AristotlesNZ

First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

@geekysteven

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

@Buffalojilll

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour ๐Ÿ™

@CantWaitToNap

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

@HLFHM

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

@chuuew

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*