@TheMichaelRock: Werewolves in the 80's destroyed so much denim.

@SteveKoehler22: As the horse fell to the barn floor, he quickly pressed his Life Alert ... "Help...I've fallen and I can't giddyup !"

@myles_morrison: I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.

@YourMomsucksTho: Gather close, children, as i tell a horrific tale of using a separate contraption from your phone called a camera, taking the roll of film out, driving to a photo lab, putting it in an envelope, dropping it in a bin, and then waiting 7-10 days to see pictures unless they lost it.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: PC: You quit improperly. ME: You froze. PC: Next time quit properly. ME: I didn’t quit. PC: You lost your data. ME: YOU lost my data. PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft? ME: That you fucked up? PC: That’s not how it’ll read. ME *reboots PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.