First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I was just shushed.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*