You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Whoa 😂
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
#dnd #ttrpg
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER