“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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I’m a bad influence on myself.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman