“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?