FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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7: can I have a pop tart?
Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon
7: this will be my dinner
Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU
BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU
1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU
DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU
??? ????’? ??? ????
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.