Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
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[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m going to need a moment here.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
i hate you platonically
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.