@SardonicTart

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

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@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

@tiemoose

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

@Brampersandon_

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

@Cheeseboy22

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

@monicaheisey

my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog

@smerobin

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

@CrazyUncIeJoe

How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, ” Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

@TheHyyyype

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@TheMichaelRock

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.