“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.