SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, ” Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.
website: select a security question
website: make of first car
website: mother’s maiden name
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.