“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!