@sageboggs

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

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@ShellHasDragons

God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.

@PLATINUM2000

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

@david8hughes

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

@Dre_77_

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

@OllyiConic

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

@JustDontBugMe

American: Say Aboot or Sorey? You say words so weird.

Canadian: Yeah eh. Does saying Free health care hurt your feelings?

@TheWinegasm

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

@stuartfiddle

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

@Fallun_Angel

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.