God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
cop: got any drugs on you
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
American: Say Aboot or Sorey? You say words so weird.
Canadian: Yeah eh. Does saying Free health care hurt your feelings?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!
Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.