“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

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ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants


If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you’ll always have quarters.


Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.


Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.


Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”


Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.


I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)


Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”


“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.


DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.