“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.