@thequeensheart

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

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@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@ArchiePeeler

If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you’ll always have quarters.

@Shade510

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

@luckinspades

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

@Bearslietoo

Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”

@SilverKick

Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.

@HatfieldAnne

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

@Advil

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.