“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Y’all know who you are.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”