You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
You Might Also Like
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.