You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*updates tinder bio*
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.