*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
mariah carrie
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.