No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
You’re in love? Cool, I’m in sweatpants.
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Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.
If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[invention of the milkshake]
drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster