@Thugs_N_Kisses

You’re in love? Cool, I’m in sweatpants.

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@ADifGuy

Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.

@mybigblondelife

If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.

@SICKOFWOLVES

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

@JulieSnark

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@peteholmes

Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”

@Staggfilms

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

@TheBoydP

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

@sonictyrant

[invention of the milkshake]

drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster