“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Customer is always right
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.