You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
wtf is an acronym
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Everything reminds me of my ex
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
good work, detective
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.