“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
When I snag the last meatball.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
the answer was staring at me all along
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.